Is this a good essay?
Dear Senator Barbara Boxer,
I am a student at Standley Middle School concerned with health, diseases caused by various meats, and animal cruelty. Animals are being slaughtered at 7 billion per year, and a 1.6 billion percentage is used for human consumption. The animals we eat today are abused and kept in factory farms or slaughterhouses, and bred in small places where they must live a horrifying life without their parents. By eating meat, we participate and encourage these horrible acts. It is finally time to take a stand and protect the environment and our animals by saying no.
Although it is said that meat is especially healthy and valuable, as you can see it is not entirely necessary for your body. Meat carries many nutrients, as well as diseases and problems such as diabetes, obesity, high cholesterol, heart disease, high blood pressure, and general cancer. Fresh fruits, vegetables, beans, and whole grains are all you really need to maintain a healthy organism. Vegetables and fruits are the main sources of nutrients and contain many vitamins and minerals which protect against the harmful diseases that meat provides and does not encourage animal cruelty. It may seem easy to be omnivorous and consume meat, while still protecting against it's diseases. However, lack of complete vegetable intake is now believed to cause tumor diseases, cardiovascular disease, and degenerative diseases. By not eating meat, you'll be eating fewer chemicals that are stuffed into the many meats we know today. Fortunately, vegetables contain vitamin A and C, which decreases your chances of cancer or any of the above listed diseases by 46%.
Our body needs a lot of calcium, protein, fibers, carbohydrates and fats. Generally, fats are obtained from eating meats. However, meat only contains saturated fats, which come from animal sources, while plants and minerals contain healthy unsaturated fats which can easily substitute for fatty foods in order to maintain a healthy organism. Although a fiber-based diet lowers bad cholesterol, it also helps with digestion and comes from fresh fruits and whole grains, such as whole-wheat bread and brown rice.
If someone were to treat dogs and cats as other animals are treated in factory farms, they would be convicted for crime and put in jail, but what makes those other animals any less important? Today, the majority of these animals are kept in such cramped places that they can barely move, they are denied any veterinary care, abused and tortured while still conscious, and finally slaughtered. Today, farm animals do not have any legal rights the way household pets do. They are fed drugs to fatten or "spoil" them, which genetically alters them to grow at a much faster pace. Many of these animals are not slaughtered at all, but die within their own weight instead- gained from these various harmful, aging drugs. Centers for disease control state that "70-90% of chickens are infected before they are shipped to markets for sell." Vegetarianism a healthier lifestyle that does not encourage the cruelty of these defenseless creatures.
Although each animal suffers a great deal of pain, they each do this differently. Cows, for example, are drugged to give a larger amount of milk than naturally given, often never see their babies again, and are hung and left to die when they are too old to produce rich milk. I believe that many vegetarians believe the fair treatment of all living creatures should be legalized to prevent this cruelty. Take a stand against this treatment and say no. Thank you for your help in this matter. Remember, every life counts.
Sincerely,
_________________________
Thanks! I guess I'm kind of arguing that because of how the animals are treated, they're not healthy for us.
Sam M.
I know how you'd feel if no one was to comment on your essay, so i'll be the first, and hopefully not the only one.
I didn't read the whole essay, to be honest with you. But just from reading the intro and first body paragraph i can tell you one thing, your arguing two different things which will result in you losing marks. Just a word of advice, you can't say that animals are healthy for us etc... yet still say that it's cruel to kill them and eat them.
You have to insist on one point and stick to it. You have to say " Animals are killed on an average of 7 billion a year, 1.6 billion just for human food consumption. They are kept in slaughter houses and brutally abused and mistreated..." etc... those statics sound wrong to me cause i would think more than 1.6 billion are killed for food... and ALSO you said 1.6 billion percentage... that makes no Sense... one more thing... you can say that BLAH BLAH BLAH that's why it's cruel.... and prove your point and than say BUT SOME MAY ARGUE... BLAH BLAH BLAH...
I hope i helped. I'm in a rush writing my own essay :) if you need any help feel free to ask!
Soccersylwia
I agree with Sam; you're getting there, but you're drifting away from your main idea. Pick one side and provide the most/best support/reasons for it, then add the counter-ideas (making it clear that they're the counter-ideas)
KenK
Good subject. This is a fine essay for your age!
A couple of points. Your first sentences might start too strong and alienate some in your audience immediately. Maybe words like "slaughter" and "disease" could be softened in the opening paragraph.
Although it would require quite a bit or rewrite, you might consider also offering grass fed beef and shopping locally as an alternate to going totally vegetarian. If you arguing the treatment of animals is cruel, would it still be cruel to eat animals if they had enjoyable lives while they lived? Realistically, the audience might need a path to becoming vegetarian. The path might include LESS meat, and more ethical treatment of animals.
Perhaps instead of of making people feel like criminals who treat animals cruelty, or support that by buying meat, you could take a different tact by reminding them that animals feel pain and fear just like our pets and ourselves.
I might recommend dropping the last two sentences. You want the reader to reach this conclusion by your essay contents... I like the end at "say no".
Good work and good luck!
P.S. Sorry, I just noticed you addressed this specifically to a senator. This might change a few of my comments slightly... sorry. For example, I thought you were trying to address change to a wide audience, not affecting a politician to make change.
Kyle
I am a student at Standley Middle School concerned with health, diseases caused by various meats, and animal cruelty. About 7 billion Animals are being slaughtered per year, and about 1.6 billion percentage is used for human consumption. The animals we eat today are abused and kept in factory farms or slaughterhouses, and bred in small places where they must live a horrifying life without their parents. By eating meat, we participate and encourage these horrible acts. It is time to take a stand and protect the environment as well as our animals by saying no.
Although, meat is especially healthy and valuable it is not entirely necessary for your body. It is true that meat carries many nutrients, however it also leads to many diseases and problems such as diabetes, obesity, high cholesterol, heart disease, high blood pressure, and general cancer. Fresh fruits, vegetables, beans, and whole grains are all you need to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Vegetables and fruits are the main sources of nutrients and contain many vitamins and minerals which protect your body against the harmful diseases that meat can lead to and is not cruel to animals. It may seem easy to be omnivorous and consume meat, while still protecting against it's diseases. However, lack of nutrients that vegetables and fruit provide is believed to cause tumor diseases, cardiovascular disease, and degenerative diseases. By not eating meat, you'll be eating fewer chemicals that are in the many meats we know today. Fortunately, vegetables contain vitamin A and C, which decreases your chances of cancer or any of the above listed diseases by 46%.
Our body requires plenty calcium, protein, fibers, carbohydrates and fats. Generally, fats are obtained from eating meats. However, meat only contains saturated fats, which comes from animal sources. While on the other hand plants and minerals contain healthy unsaturated fats which is much healthier than most fattening foods.Whole grain is also a good substitute for meat. A fiber-based diet lowers bad cholesterol, it also helps with digestion and comes from whole grains, such as whole-wheat bread and brown rice.
If someone were to treat dogs and cats as other animals are treated in factory farms, they would be convicted for crime and put in jail. What makes other animals any less important? Today, the majority of these animals are kept in places so cramped that they can barely move, they are denied veterinary care, abused and tortured while still conscious, and eventually slaughtered. Today, farm animals do not have any legal rights the way household pets do. They are fed drugs to fatten or "spoil" them, which genetically alters them to grow at a much faster pace. Many of these animals are not slaughtered at all, but die within their own weight instead- gained from these various harmful, aging drugs. Centers for disease control state that "70-90% of chickens are infected before they are shipped to markets for sell." Vegetarianism a healthier lifestyle that does not encourage the cruelty of these defenseless creatures."
Although each animal suffers a great deal of pain, they each do this differently. Cows, for example, are drugged to give a larger amount of milk instead of naturally given, often never see their babies again, and are hung and left to die when they are too old to produce rich milk. I believe that many vegetarians believe that the fair treatment of all living creatures should be legalized to prevent this cruelty. Take a stand against this treatment and say no. Thank you for your help in this matter. Remember, every life counts.
Sincerely,
I edited it to my best ability but you may want to proofread it
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