Parent struggle? Am I betraying my mother?
So here's the story. I'm a 20 year old guy and I'm in the Army. I just came back from a year in Afghanistan. I get along with my family but I've become distant from them over the years because we're so different.
My parents are divorced, but I was raised by my mom. I love my mother with all my heart and would follow her to the gates of hell with nothing but a mouthful of cold water any day of the week. She went through hell raising my older brother and me all by herself. She'd work 2 jobs and go to school all at the same time. She wouldn't sleep and she'd either be working or studying every single day of the week.
After some time she started dating again and eventually married my stepfather. My stepfather is the kindest man I've ever met. He treats me just like his own child and I am grateful to him for making my mom smile again after so many years.
But after my mom remarried, she just became a different person. She became petty and immature. She began to hold grudges. It was borderline emotional abuse after a while. It came to where I didn't even want to come home from school.
I know she was probably just worried about me like any good parent(my grades weren't very good). But my mother was still pretty irrational nonetheless. She just became a completely different person after she remarried like I said. She was always so insecure about what my stepdad would think about me(even though he is the nicest man I've ever known and is completely nonjudgemental) that she made me lie to him about my grades and my major in college. Even today she refuses to tell her in-laws about me being in the Army even though I took the initiative and went back to school(online) while at the same time being in the military.
Regardless, I love my mom like I said and I can never thank her enough for what she's done for me. But I'm back from Afghanistan, I just want to relax and live a normal life even if my family is dysfunctional.
I haven't seen my father in 10 years. Long story short he was a horrible man. He was extremely abusive and he abandoned my mother with 2 kids when I was 5.
I've had a void in my mind for about 10 years. Even though I've been angry at my father all these years, I've still missed him deep down. My mom wasn't that stereotypical vindictive ex that tried to keep the kids away from their father, but she sure as hell let her bias be known. Both of my parents had their demons, but my mother was definitely the lesser of 2 evils.
I bought a public search report online and tracked down my father and emailed him. I made up a lie and said that I was messaging him because I needed some information from him for the Army and he replied back with the longest apology letter you've ever seen.
I can forgive and forget the past. What's done is done and there's no changing it, but it's not too late to build a bright future. I want to rebuild the relationship with my father(gradually of course), but if my mom ever found out she'd be angry and probably hurt. I know this sounds underhanded, but I was thinking of keeping the relationships between me and my parents separate - meaning that if I was with my dad, I'd never mention my mom and if I was with my mom, I'd never even tell her that I was in touch with my dad. Kind of like living a double life. I know it sounds sketchy but trust me - with the way my parents are, it's the only way to have my cake and eat it too.
But if I were to never tell my mother about my relationship with my dad, would I be betraying her? I know I'd be going behind her back, but there's no other alternative if I want to have a healthy relationship with both parents. What can I do? Please don't say "talk to your mother". There is NO talking to my mother. Trust me.
Thanks!
JoAnn
You are 20 years old. You can have a relationship with your dad. Talk to him and write him, see if things go well. If things go well and you want to meet up with him later, tell your mom that you appreciate how she raised you and you love her and only want her blessing on this. If you can't tell her ask your step dad to tell her or write it to her. Hope all goes well for you.
AZD²
Talk to your step dad about this. You are old enough to speak to him man to man. Explain what she was like before and after he might be able to help or maybe both of you can talk to her doctor and tell him what you are seeing. Sometimes when the doc knows there is a problem he can prescribe stuff to balance her out~
Weird Wabbit
You have to laugh at yourself, because if you didn't you'd cry your eyes out.
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